on finding motivation

I realized tonight, as I sit here spooning out the tail-end of a quart of Breyer’s, that for whatever reason, my system can’t handle procrastination. Once the flood gate is open, it compounds until I’m left sitting here with a mile long to-do list, an extra 10 pounds to carry around, and no motivation. Well I’m pretty ticked off at the whole thing.

I love what I’m doing. I mean I love it. I grew up with the kind of folks who said “you aren’t supposed to have a job you like. You’re just supposed to have a job”.  That was never me. It never will be. So then, if I love it so much then why am I self-sabotaging this week? Yes, all of my assignments are in. I’ve been staying on top of TA duties, my readings, and everything else that’s externally important. More than on top of them, really.

Yet this is the very first week I haven’t kept track of my productivity. I didn’t sit down this past Sunday and schedule my week, make lists, or clean off my desk. Am I really that OCD that the failure to schedule my week would cause this kind of chaos? I’ve started eating terribly again (hence the ice cream), anxiety is back, I’ve been getting 3 hours of sleep a night, I’ve stopped exercising altogether, physically I’m feeling pretty terrible, I’ve had headaches all week, I have no interest in playing with my pups, and reading has become a chore. Those are a few of the symptoms anyway. My partner’s out of town, so at least she doesn’t have to put up with me.  I feel uncomfortable in my own skin when I’m like this.

It’s about halfway through the semester. I know I keep reiterating this, but I really am enjoying my courses/job tasks, etc – with that said, it’s not “work stress” causing this. It’s not a lack of social interaction (which can sometimes happen as part of the lonely existence of graduate school). I really have no clue what the cause is. I only know it needs to stop. I need some motivators – and a bath. Or maybe I just need to sit down, clean off my desk, and feel the satisfaction of crossing things off a to-do list. Bath first.

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3 comments

  1. Sounds to me like a wee trough of depression. In my experience these things pass. I wish I could catch you on the phone and we could chat about stuff – it would help.

    1. Hmm I don’t think I’d classify it as depression. More of a moment of sloth. I’m not actually feeling sad at all.

      Today I slept late (’til 8am) and went on a nice walk before I left to start my day. This helped immensely.

      1. It still looked that way to me – just a brief dip. “Depression” does not necessarily mean or include “sadness”; it has other symptoms such as lack of motivation, self-loathing, etc.

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